


love without life

by yerimoney



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Other, kind of depressing sorry, might be depression but idk, t/w just in case
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-25 12:55:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17725589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yerimoney/pseuds/yerimoney
Summary: why do i do this? irene asks the stars every night, when she's sitting on the ledge.they never answer.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i was listening to "a different age" by current joys while writing this. it makes me feel better because i've been afraid there's not going to be a song that can describe this

“i’m so tired of this life,” irene tells me.

i look at her.

she looks so sad, and i can see the weariness in her eyes - she’s tired of crying. tired of being stressed out for everyone. tired of having to prove herself.

it has had been showing the past few days. the way she pours herself into her work but just for it to swallow her, how quiet she’s been the past few days, making herself smaller from everything that’s happening.

joy told her she was going to break someday. she just smiled and said “i’m too good for that.”

maybe she already had broken way before that, or already knew she was going to.

irene lies down, letting out a puff of air. “what’s the point?” she asks, softly.

she knows there has to be some point. but she’s right - i can’t see it either, so why bother admitting it?

she swallows as she turns over, lying on her side. the red dust from the basketball court is imprinted on her shirt, staining it. and slowly, her body starts to shake.

“20 times,” she says to herself. “i’ve tried to end everything 20 times and i still can’t. and no one will believe me. no one will-” she catches her breath, letting out a wretched sob. 

“why can’t i have something that’s mine?” she sobs silently.

she stays silent for the rest of an hour. i leave.


	2. i wish i was fucking dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this was written earlier

irene plops herself next to me, body limp and clothes crumpled. she's slouching, but her body seems so full of energy. careless energy, i realize. 

 

she laughs. it smells of alcohol.

 

my nose scrunches. i think she notices, because she pulls a face. the playfulness is still in her expression. “i’m drunk,” she states blatantly.

 

“right after you turn legal. and in class.”

 

“Yes,” she seems unbothered, but you can see the lack of focus in her body - it sways a little even while she’s sitting down. her fingers are clumsy as they sift through her papers.

 

she seems so mindless. but her bloodshot eyes are not news.

 

(maybe she’ll never get out of this.)

 

i stretch out my hads, clenching them into fists. unclenching. clenching.

 

and i ask, softly, “are you going to get professional help?”

 

~~ something in her snaps ~~

 

something in her physicality tightens, and suddenly she seems so awfully sober i’m afraid. i think i hear her say “fuck off” under her breath.

 

the air is static and stale, barely giving anyone space.

 

she laughs again, this time softer. “my parents won’t afford it.”

 

“they won’t or they can’t?”

 

this is a rhetorical question. but i’m waiting for her to admit it.

 

she doesn’t quieten down and just giggles. but she shrinks into herself so much. so much.

 

“they can afford anything in the world. they just can’t afford to waste it on me.” her voice is loud as she says this. the way she states it - so blatantly, as if it was nothing to think about.

 

she stands up. “i have to go,” she chokes out, voice thick. “toilet. i’ll be back.”

 

hopefully.

 

i don’t follow.


	3. my battery is low and it's getting dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im really sorry

“i wish i was dead,” irene tells me.

tonight is one of the nights – we sit together, in the darkness of my bedroom. my bedroom used to be the piano room. the bedpost lies against on the windows leading outside, 6 floors down.

today, irene sits on the window ledge, looking out. i lie against the bedpost, facing the inside of the room where the piano is. her legs dangle into empty space.

today, her parents have come over to visit, with smiles and pretty costumes with a tear-stained daughter in hand. she asked if she could go to the toilet, and i offered to direct her. she holds my hand sloppily but doesn’t let go.

“how do you know?” i ask.

she sighs and looks out. “everyone wishes i was. it’s really obvious. i want it to stop being obvious.”

 _i don’t want you dead,_ i think. but then i think, it’s not like i want her desperately alive. but i’ve heard people tell her they would be devastated if she died. she always seemed confused at that.

“i like the stars,” she says now.

“i’d love to learn more about astrology,” she said before.

“i think it’s really calming if they just watched me fall. really peaceful.”

outside, our families laugh at the movie they’re watching, the living room all lit up.

“how many times would it be now?” i ask again.

i don’t think she remembers. she said she stopped counting after the 15th time. i guess she always knew, somehow, she would never stop. get out of the mess she made.

“i think this would be the 28th,” she gives me some random answer after pausing for a few seconds.

28th time of looking out into the stars, wondering what would it be like when someone found her below. 28th time of wrapping the shower cord around her neck and crying as she tightened it. or maybe the 30th. the 20th.

i don’t think she cares by now.

“when will it be the last time?”

and with determination i haven’t heard in years, she says, “may.”

she looks out again. leans a little more into the night.

our families laugh again at the movie. happiness.

“irene, seulgi! come back!”

she gets off the ledge and we go. her eyes are dead again. but she smiles.

i wonder how many times she’ll keep on lying to herself that her family is saving her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't think it would come to this, but im giving up.

**Author's Note:**

> i wish i was dead so people could be happy for once


End file.
